Tonsilitis says "crap"

Tony Blair's twin Tonsilitis is as pissed off as I am that Tony the Whining Little Rat is cutting and running from his responsibilities as the only Coalition member left in Iraq. Wait, I'm wrong. We'll still have the fucking Marshall Islands on our side. Big fucking whoop. Tonsilitis who just opened a prostitute's dayspa in Liverpool called Pussy for Sale Dayspa, has been estranged from her weakwilled lily livered brother for years, mostly because of his wife Cherie, or "Cunt", as Tonsilitis calls her. So it looks like we'll be going it alone in old Iraqistan. So fuck Britain. I never trusted those fags anyway.

Scrotum-in-chief, in action

You know, it's not easy. People wonder why I'm so fucking crabby but jesus fucking christ, look at what I have to put up with. Now he's given up the bicycle and started training for the olympics. He's out of his fucking mind, but we knew that. I keep trying to get him to focus on invading Iran, but I can't get him off the fucking parallel bars. We are in serious serious shit here, but every time I try to talk to him, he just asks me to spot him. Isn't that what the fucking secret service is for?

This is BubbaBaby, my pet dwarf and spiritual adviser

God knows, even a Vice President can get spiritually worn out now and then. Yes, it's true. Even I, Lord God of the Entire Fucking Planet. And whenever I run into a serious problem, I always call on my BubbaBaby, for clarity of thought and spirit guidance. She never steers me wrong. I never go anywhere without her. Usually she travels in the trunk, in a special velvet lined BubbaBabycarryingcase. We often meditate together. Our shared mantra is wooooooo, which is oooom upside down. She's always reminded me of someone but I can't figure out who. And did I mention she drinks blood? I fucking love that.

Anna Nicole Smith, "dead" at 39

I'm fucking devastated. That bitch had so much to live for. I fucking loved her, I did. I was the father of that kid, you know. Little Dannylynnwhatever. She was going to call her Cheneylynn but I didn't think that was such a good idea. Oh, yeah, we had a special thing going on, that's for sure. I was supposed to meet her down there at the Hard Rock, but I had to stay here to fix something that President Dickhead fucked up. Again. So I had to cancel. I don't know--she might still be alive if I'd gone down there. When am I gonna fucking learn?