Terrorist pilot crashes plane into Hudson River

I don't know why everybody's so fucking happy about this. It's obvious it's another terrorist attack, on the eve of the end of my tour of duty. This fucking Islamafascist pilot Chesley Bin Sullenbama deliberately steered his aircraft into one of the most densely populated, and I might add polluted, rivers in the world. Need I remind you that the World Trade Towers are gone, so the Hudson is almost the next best target. He was obviously aiming for a ferry, full of New Jersey fairies, no doubt. A double whammy, in terror target stakes. Ironic that all those ferries started ramming the plane, trying to sink it just as soon as it splashed down. This whole fucking story is way too weird, if you ask me. And what's with all those wacko's standing on the wings? Jump in the fucking water, asswipes. People were jumping off the 110th floor and you're afraid of a little cold water? You call yourself Armenian? Get a grip. And get used to it, powderpuff. This is just the beginning. There's gonna be planes in rivers all over the place now that me and Bushwhack have been pushed out of office. You made your bed, tootsie roll. Now swim in it.

Now they're both gone

This is a sad day for those of us who love America, the original Fantasy Island. Ricardo, we will miss you, sir, as we will also miss the dwarf Pee Wee Herman or whatever the fuck his name was. Myself I always like full sized normal people, even Mexicans, as Ricardo, we all know you used to be. Short, dwarfish, probably homo people, like Pinocchio or whatever, are, well, we don't really care what they are, since we hate them and want them dead anyway. I know Fantasy Island was a fantasy, but you have to draw the line somewhere. We salute you, Ricardo, for being tall, and normal, and formerly Mexican, and normal. Most of all, we like normal people. Meaning, not fags or scientologists or lesbians. We could always count on you to keep the island on track and, you know, fucking normal. LIke god intended fantasy islands to be.

Bush cat suicide ruins otherwise happy transition

The Moron In Chief's goofy "What? Me Worry?" approach to the end of his fabulous eight years of destruction, with me by his side moving his arms, I might add, was marred by the sudden and devastating loss of the Bush kitten in what has been described as a rare cat suicide. Apparently the double emotional whammy of her unfortunate Madoff investments and being forced to return to Texas proved too much for the high strung former street cat, which had been described by insiders as "depressed" and "moody" in recent weeks. Most puzzling was the way in which she died--pretending to be an ear of corn which the hungry, completely drunk and as usual completely fucking oblivious fuckwad was tricked into eating. Personally, I hate cats and found this one to be particularly obnoxious, so who the fuck cares when you get right down to it, you know? but wouldn't you think you'd notice if you were eating a live cat? Guess fucking not.

Travolta kisses Jett goodbye

No, wait that's not Jett. I mean, sure, he's getting ON a jet, but that's not his son Jett, that's Jett's nanny, Jeff. That's right, his son, now dead, was 16, had a full time nanny, who is a professional photographer, and has no experience taking care of children. Especially children who are famously NOT autistic but are allergic to carpet cleaner or something. And wait, get this, they also have a second nanny, a woman, Mrs. Jeff, also a photographer with no experience with children, for their eight year old daughter Ella Bleu. Named after the cheese. So, a nanny for me, a nanny for you. Is it me, or is this family really fucking loony, even for Hollywood. And am I remembering this right--don't they live with a plane in their house or something? I'm sure I saw a picture of that once, in Archifucking Digest. Do you think there might be some connection between this extreme fucking weirdness and the fact that their weird fucking cult religion does not allow people to be fucking homo, and that everybody in this little group, including both nannies, are in said fruitcake cult? And also the religion doesn't admit that things like autism exist, and won't let, for instance, parents get medication for a kid who might be autistic which Jett was said to be by everybody except Scientologists. I don't know about you but I ALWAYS kiss the male photographer nanny of my non autistic 16 year old son who I named after my fucking plane on the lips. In the same way I never notice my wife kissing our daughter's nanny on the lips whenever I see them together in bed. I'm just used to it, you know? Because that's the fucking kind of family we are.