Saddam Hussein, "Dead" at 93

Wait, wait, that isn't Saddam. Who IS that? Castro? Is he 93? Is he dead? No, no, 93, that was Ford. James Brown wasn't 93, was he? And wasn't he Black or something? Shit, that's fucking useless Mel Gibson. Also dead. Well, just his career. Saddam was Rummy's pal, right? And whatever happened to that fuck Bin Laden? Where the hell is he, anyway. Did we ever find him? Oh, to hell with it. We fucking hanged SOMEBODY, didn't we? What's your problem? They all look the same, anyway. In fact, they all look like fucking Mel Gibson. And what about Betty Ford, is she still dead? Or Nancy Reagan, is she dead yet? How about Bess Myerson? I loved that bitch.

Gerald Ford, "Dead" at 93

Like how can you fucking tell? Is he appreciably less lively now than two days ago? I don't think so. The guy does serve one purpose, however, which is to prove that there was once someone even stupider than Doublefuck in the White House. Though when he dies, no one is going to be talking about what a nice guy he was. Not only is he thick as a fucking plank, W's the meanest piece of shit ever to walk the globally warming planet. Ford "healed the nation". Right. And I'm fucking Motherfucking Theresa.

Happy fucking holiday from Dick and W

We've been planning this little surprise for a while now, and decided our lord and savior's birthday was just the perfect time to let you all in on our little joke. I admit I've been a little impatient with W's lack of, shall we say, oh I don't know, BRAINS! and eager to get out there and start running things on my own. So here I am, world! Now we can really get going on the Right Track. No more of that fucking human rights horseshit, no more fucking Constitution or Bill of Rights, and lots more secret eavesdropping and and pregnant lesbians, and lies, deceit, overbilling and, my personal favorite, inhuman torture. Now THAT'S what American needs. And the Dick man is here to give it to 'em. So get the fuck out of my way, Meat Puppet, Dickster is on the move.

Teletubby in chief

Whenever he gets into trouble, Porgie always heads back to the scene of his greatest triumph, to the old Mission Accomplished days onboard the USS Don't Fuck With Us. And he turns to his friends the Teletubbies for advice. Sweet, no? Fucking stupid, yes. Tubby is the only language he speaks fluently. Goo goo ga ga. He's got to be the stupidest fucking human on the poopdeck. Now he wants more troops. Does he not understand there ARE NO MORE TROOPS? We can't get anyone to sign up now. Where the fuck does he think more are going to come from? New Fucking Orleans? I don't think so.

You'd better pray, you dumb motherfucker

It's not like he was playing with a full deck to begin with. And now that shit has hit all the fans, the Dickless Decider is coming up empty. He's got his fucking father pushing from one side, sticking all these ghouls from yesteryear into the administration, and then he's got ME, the only one who really knows what to do. What's his fucking problem? All he needs to do is listen to Poppa Cheney. Strategic blanket bombing of all the population centers. That's the ticket. All we want is the oil anyway. Who gives a fuck about those fucking people? Give them enough time, they'll just kill each other anyway. All we'll be doing is speeding them on their way to Suicideville. Look at it as a public fucking service.