Location Disclosed:126 Chain Bridge Road, Mclean, Virginia

Have you ever seen a uglier fucking house? It's the color of puke, and has all the charm of a minimum security prison. Fucking smells like it, too. This is what you get when you stop paying attention, when you fucking lose the will to live. My life is over. Well, actually, my life was over six years ago when I had that fatal heart attack we never told you about, and I've basically been a fucking robot since then. The morons joke that I'm heartless. Well, the joke is fucking on them because I AM heartless. I have a fucking engine in there. My whole fucking body is bionic, for christ's sake. But once you lose the Power, once you can't snap your finger and get someone destroyed, even Bionic VIce gets depressed. That's why I was in that fucking wheelchair. Hurt my back moving boxes?? Give me a fucking break. I nearly shit when I read that. I just refused to go to that fucking inauguration. So they doped me up and tied me to that chair and wheeled up the ramp The fucks. I'll get 'em for that. Meanwhile, I've had it. You ain't gonna have big Dick to kick around anymore. This is my last post on this fucking blog. Fuck you.

Terrorist pilot crashes plane into Hudson River

I don't know why everybody's so fucking happy about this. It's obvious it's another terrorist attack, on the eve of the end of my tour of duty. This fucking Islamafascist pilot Chesley Bin Sullenbama deliberately steered his aircraft into one of the most densely populated, and I might add polluted, rivers in the world. Need I remind you that the World Trade Towers are gone, so the Hudson is almost the next best target. He was obviously aiming for a ferry, full of New Jersey fairies, no doubt. A double whammy, in terror target stakes. Ironic that all those ferries started ramming the plane, trying to sink it just as soon as it splashed down. This whole fucking story is way too weird, if you ask me. And what's with all those wacko's standing on the wings? Jump in the fucking water, asswipes. People were jumping off the 110th floor and you're afraid of a little cold water? You call yourself Armenian? Get a grip. And get used to it, powderpuff. This is just the beginning. There's gonna be planes in rivers all over the place now that me and Bushwhack have been pushed out of office. You made your bed, tootsie roll. Now swim in it.

Now they're both gone

This is a sad day for those of us who love America, the original Fantasy Island. Ricardo, we will miss you, sir, as we will also miss the dwarf Pee Wee Herman or whatever the fuck his name was. Myself I always like full sized normal people, even Mexicans, as Ricardo, we all know you used to be. Short, dwarfish, probably homo people, like Pinocchio or whatever, are, well, we don't really care what they are, since we hate them and want them dead anyway. I know Fantasy Island was a fantasy, but you have to draw the line somewhere. We salute you, Ricardo, for being tall, and normal, and formerly Mexican, and normal. Most of all, we like normal people. Meaning, not fags or scientologists or lesbians. We could always count on you to keep the island on track and, you know, fucking normal. LIke god intended fantasy islands to be.

Bush cat suicide ruins otherwise happy transition

The Moron In Chief's goofy "What? Me Worry?" approach to the end of his fabulous eight years of destruction, with me by his side moving his arms, I might add, was marred by the sudden and devastating loss of the Bush kitten in what has been described as a rare cat suicide. Apparently the double emotional whammy of her unfortunate Madoff investments and being forced to return to Texas proved too much for the high strung former street cat, which had been described by insiders as "depressed" and "moody" in recent weeks. Most puzzling was the way in which she died--pretending to be an ear of corn which the hungry, completely drunk and as usual completely fucking oblivious fuckwad was tricked into eating. Personally, I hate cats and found this one to be particularly obnoxious, so who the fuck cares when you get right down to it, you know? but wouldn't you think you'd notice if you were eating a live cat? Guess fucking not.

Travolta kisses Jett goodbye

No, wait that's not Jett. I mean, sure, he's getting ON a jet, but that's not his son Jett, that's Jett's nanny, Jeff. That's right, his son, now dead, was 16, had a full time nanny, who is a professional photographer, and has no experience taking care of children. Especially children who are famously NOT autistic but are allergic to carpet cleaner or something. And wait, get this, they also have a second nanny, a woman, Mrs. Jeff, also a photographer with no experience with children, for their eight year old daughter Ella Bleu. Named after the cheese. So, a nanny for me, a nanny for you. Is it me, or is this family really fucking loony, even for Hollywood. And am I remembering this right--don't they live with a plane in their house or something? I'm sure I saw a picture of that once, in Archifucking Digest. Do you think there might be some connection between this extreme fucking weirdness and the fact that their weird fucking cult religion does not allow people to be fucking homo, and that everybody in this little group, including both nannies, are in said fruitcake cult? And also the religion doesn't admit that things like autism exist, and won't let, for instance, parents get medication for a kid who might be autistic which Jett was said to be by everybody except Scientologists. I don't know about you but I ALWAYS kiss the male photographer nanny of my non autistic 16 year old son who I named after my fucking plane on the lips. In the same way I never notice my wife kissing our daughter's nanny on the lips whenever I see them together in bed. I'm just used to it, you know? Because that's the fucking kind of family we are.

Santa kills nine, burns house--why the fuck didn't I think of that?

I am forever in fucking awe of the human capacity for simple creative genius and superb execution. And I use the term advisedly because how cool is it to blow away a fucking two year old when she's opening fucking presents. I am in the fucking presence of greatness. How did this moron come up with this spectacular idea? He's just sitting there on the fucking john and all of a sudden BINGO it comes to him?? I'll git me a Santa outfit and some accelerant and crash the bitch's Christmas Eve? Man. Am I impressed. I thought those Somali pirates had giant fucking balls. But this retard takes the fucking fruitcake. Now he may have a had an eensy misstep or two, given that the red suit melted and burned his fucking body to a crisp thereby slightly foiling his plan to getaway to Saskatewan or wherever the fuck he was heading. But give big Bruce a hand, ladles and germs. He the man. Whoa. Kill those little fuckers.

Kennedy? Van Susteren? You decide.

I've been trying to keep a low profile while the country slides into a fucking depression since there are some assholes around who might TRY to pin the blame on me. Catch me if you can, Motherfuckers, is my answer to them. And despite my admiration for dead Van Johnson I decided to not write about his wonderful life and sad fucking death, but now, now I can no longer hold my forked fucking tongue. Is everyone fucking BLIND? Am I the only one who can see the truth? Caroline Kennedy (future New York Senator, if the liberal fucks have anything to say about it) IS Greta Van Susteren. Look at them! A fucking dead person could see that this is true. Ask Van Johnson for christ's sake I ask you, have you ever seen the two of them together?? I think not. They ARE the same person. Now why Kennedy, famous recluse and UN shill, would want to pretend to be that Fox News wackjob with the bad face work, who the fuck knows. But I am here to tell you that I, for one, will NOT be taken in. You can't fool me, bitches.

Fuck him, I'm not leaving

It's going to take more than a fucking election to get me out of power. You think I'm going to listen to a puny 64 percent of the "voters"? Who the fuck do they think they are? This is me we're talking about. Bushlips is talking transition? Transition? What transition? There ain't going to be no fucking transition. I am here to fucking stay. You heard about the West Wing? Well, I'm in the fucking Undisclosed Wing. And I'll be taking care of all the Halliburton no-bid contracts and all the oil companies business. I'm been doing it for eight years and I fucking plan to keep doing it. Get out of my way, Barry Boy. This is Cheney Boy tallking.

Studs Terkel and John McCain, both dead

Or as I called him "Suds". Who knew he was still alive? Or that he was really Vietnamese. Or gave a fuck. And then there's Walnuts, not knowing when to fucking lie down. Did you notice I decided to endorse him? I thought it might be the final nail in the coffin of his fucking useless campaign. Then that shit kicking harpy can go back to her trailer in Alaska and put a plastic bag over that retarded kid's head or whatever the fuck she needs to do, and he can go sit in a lawnchair in the Scottsdale desert. Toast. The man is fucking toast.

Dwarf liberal beloved fuck, "dead" at 83

Yeah, yeah, yeah, so everybody fucking loved him, so he made good popcorn and drove a fucking race car and had oscars coming out of his ass, and everybody wanted to fuck him until about four years ago when he was fucking two hundred years old. So fucking what. He was a liberal shit, "giving money to charity"--goodie fucking two shoes, if you ask me. Oooh, oooh, kids with cancer. Oooh, give 'em some salad dressing--that'll fix 'em right up. Makes me puke, all this giving back to the poor. Give me a fucking break. What's he trying to prove anyway? Fuck him. And fuck Connecticut and fuck you.

Oh my fucking fucking christ

We are totally absofuckinglutely fucked. What was Walnuts smoking? Did he even meet this bitch before they dragged her out of the fucking igloo to run for Vice? Fuck. And did you catch that interview with Couric? She couldn't put three words together in a fucking row. She called fucking Henry Kissinger naive. He's about as naive as a nuclear submarine. Kissinger's farts are more articulate than she is. Okay, she's a pretty good liar, I'll give you that, but that's not the ENTIRE job. Most of it, yes, but not the whole thing. Occasionally you have to actually make a LITTLE sense. Christ on a fucking stick. Jesus in the oven. She even makes Lieberman look good. Fuck, she makes Huckabee look like a fucking statesman. Shit shit shit. This twee fucking little cunt is NOT getting my job. I am stopping this, right here, right now. Read my blubbery fucking lips.

Homo Hank dresses for success

I've tried to keep a low profile as the economy fell into the shitter, but there's only so much undisclosed fucking vacation a person can take. We have a couple months left in the calendar, and let's not let the entire fucking thing explode. I know we said everything was fine until about four minutes ago, and now we're saying life as we know it will end, but trust us--we're the people who brought you Iraq. We KNOW what we're doing. And Hankie, as we call him, in that lovely brocade night wrap, is just the fellow to lead us out of this twisted Democratic jungle. Hankie has been in the trenches. Hell, he's been fucked in the trenches, lots of times. Hankie LOVES the trenches. Throw him in a trench, he's happy as fuck. You should hear him.

Eeeny meeeny miney mo-retarded, who's retardest of them all?

What the fucking hell is going on? Even I, Dick Shut the Fuck Up Cheney, have some limits. Are you watching that fucking convention? Is there anyone in that hall who isn't retarded? Jesus Fucking Retarded Christ! Are they joking? Standing ovation for her fucking moron snowmobiling oil drinking husband? Celebrating--CELEBRATING--her slut whore simpleton daughter and her half wit dick enhanced skater boyfriend? Has the world gone nuts? Am I in a fucking dream world here? She's an aerial wolf-shooting govern-NESS of a state with fewer people in it than the Abercrombie and Fitch store on Fifth Avenue. This qualifies her? For MY job???? I fucking don't think so. Does she know how to kill PEOPLE? Anyfuckingbody can kill a fucking moose. They just stand there, big as a house, and wait for you. You know how hard it is to shoot a lawyer? When you're drunker than shit? And in the FACE? That takes more than grit. And it takes more than a second runner up tiara, toots. Get yourself back to the tundra, cuntface. You are wasting my time. And you are NOT getting my job. Didn't anybody tell you? I'm stayin'.

Walnuts finds another nutcase

I have to hand it to McBush, it was a brilliant fucking move, finding somebody even loonier than he is. Makes him look almost normal by comparison. Well, slightly less unhinged, maybe. Palin is of course a fucking moosehunting creationist glasses-wearing fruitbasket, but you have to admit, she's a fuck of a lot better looking than Biden. Now there's a beauty queen on each ticket. And I fucking LOVE that two years ago she was mayor of a town smaller than a lot of high schools. McPOW has some fucking balls.