War in Iraq? What war in Iraq?

Guess what disappeared? Harry Houdini go fuck yourself. I am the world's best fucking magician of all fucking time. I disappeared a war. Fuck, I disappeared an entire country. Pay no attention to the hundred people a day getting fucking blown up. Pay no attention to the INCREASE in US troop numbers. Pay no attention to the fucking place falling completely fucking apart. The puppydog media sure as fuck isn't. And as long as the Jews are bombing the shit out of that garbage dump Lebanon, nobody ain't gonna look at Iraq. And you wonder why we're not supporting a ceasefire? Are you fucking stupid?

They should take this act on the fucking road

What is going on with Tony fucking Blair? Is he on drugs? Does Junior do some hoohaa voodoo thing on him to get him to roll over every time he's in town? What is this fuckwit on? What is the story with this relationship? Dipshit is a drooling retard compared to Blair. And Blair just nods and blows air kisses. I don't fucking get it. But what the hell do I care. It gets me what I want. Now, the UfuckingK is as hated as we are, and what do they get out of it? Nada, Lord Fuckface, big fullyloaded nothing. It's getting clear now there's nothing we won't sink to, and with Tonyboy hanging around to bless the bombs, at least we can say we got company as we destroy the fucking world. I must admit, though, this is getting a little out of hand. Oh, well.

No truth to the rumors

Some lying piece of shit out there is spreading a rumor that I am leaving my loving honey bunny Lynne for Amy Fisher just because we both like to, you know, shoot people in the face. Let me be very very very clear. This is not true. It is also not true that we met at a Shoot People In The Face support group and that we have a lot in common. We have only that one thing in common. And yes, okay, she is a hot hot hot little number, and yes, perhaps we have spent a little quiet time together at the shooting range. And yes, maybe we did cruise around a few gun shops, having a couple of laughs and then maybe a couple of drinks. But that's as far as it went. Anyway, she likes a pistol and I use a shotgun. Christ, I'm old enough to be her uncle. And what kind of man would leave his wonderful if doped up and tied up in a straitjacket wife for some hot gorgeous sharpshooting piece of Long Island pussy? I want these rumors stopped and I want them stopped now. Are we clear?

They're really fucking amazing, aren't they?

I know, I know, you're thinking that I mean her tits. But I'm really talking about her balls. Well, not hers, exactly. This is Junior's Jewish twin sister, GeorgieShalomma. She's a General in the Israeli army. Very unusual for a woman. But then, as we all know, she's not really a woman. But that's another story. I was talking about the balls of an administration that could be doing what we're doing. It's fucking amazing. I know it's all my idea, but they're all really pulling it off. Even Condotwataroni. She's not giving an inch. Those burning Lebanese babies aren't even on her Lesbo radar. We are talking serious diesel cold wave. That bitch has antifreeze in her veins. And Junior, well, who the fuck knows what planet he's fucking on, let alone what he's thinking, and I use the fucking word loosely. But can you fucking believe we're getting away with this? We're not only not pushing a ceasefire, we're forbidding a ceasefire! We're fanning the flames. We're giving them the bombs, for christ sake. Who gives a rat's ass about lebafuckingese civilians? That little turd country is toast. This is about Iran, baby. Nothing else. Except maybe Georginovala's tits. Those are always fun. Right, George?

Step away from the car, motherfucker

We have just about fucking had it. What the fuck do you want from us? We didn't fucking invent fucking Israel, you know. We're just choosing up sides here, and at least they're white, more or less. And they don't fucking stop work to kneel down and put their head on the ground every fifteen minutes. And they get fucking drunk. Unlike some ragfuckingheads we know. All we're doing is what we do best. Looking after the oil. Ipso fucking facto. We are not interested in little loser Lebanese fucking children. We are clearly not interested in making things better. Give me a giant fucking break. Hezzie looks crooked at the Jews, and all hell breaks loose. We are not getting in the way of that shitstorm. We good. We sitting over here. We counting the money.

I'd say things were going really well

Our policies are finally paying off. Total war in the fucking Middle East. Americans being airlifted out of Beirut. Heat wave and tsunami killing people. Body count climbing in Iraq. The Taliban's back in Afghanistan. Hurricane season coming up. Tunnel falling down in Boston. North Korea and Iran going nuts. The dollar's in the toilet and the stock market is tanking. And our Moron in Chief is talking trash into an open mike at the Summit. Yessiree, things are going just about the way we planned.

We made torture fun

And now we have to follow the fucking Geneva Convention again? Shit. Shit. Shit. Well, think again, Pussywillows. You can kiss my sweet Gitmo ass before we let those evil doers out the door. Rights? What fucking rights? What about the war on terror, huh? What about all that oil? What about Halliburton? You think a couple of old german shepherds chewing on their balls is torture? Come on. That's nothing. At least we didn't behead anybody. Not yet. Not that you heard about, anyway. But noooo, now we have to play nice. Give 'em back their clothes. Let them sit down. Give them fucking food and water. Christ, are we trying to win this war or not? It's not a popularity contest. Fuck the fucking Geneva Convention. And fuck you.

Hang on to Momma, Pussyboy

Everyone already knows about Junior and Condi, I suppose. I'm surprised it hasn't been on the front page of the traitorous fucking New York Times. She's been fucking him ever since he gave her Powell's old job. I always thought old gaptooth was a big dyke but who knows. Maybe she wears a fucking strap-on. The Moron's so falling down drunk all the time, he never knows what he's fucking anyway--Laura, the country, Condi--all the same to him. And what the fuck do I care, as long as it keeps him busy and out of my way, so I can ruin the country. I mean, RUN the country. Little Freudian slip. HA! But Librarianlips Bush sure as fuck doesn't like it. She moved out, you know. To some fleabag hotel somewhere. I don't know how long we're gonna be able to keep this quiet. But now that Roverdover is in the clear, he can concentrate on fucking up the Demokrauts and keeping the press distracted with our totally fucked up handling of North Korea. Looks like everyone's just forgetting about old Iraq already. Except for the occasional mentally challenged soldier raping and offing a few fifteen year olds. They were asking for it, you ask me. Right, Commander Condo?

Ken Lay "dead" at 64. Right.

We were all so "sad" to hear of Kenny Boy's "death". Some kind of "heart attack", apparently. Cut down in the prime of life. Taken from us just before he heard about his sentencing. Meaning just before we had to pardon him. So now, he's "dead". So sad. Wonderful father. Caring husband. Brilliant businessman. No point looking for him at a secret CIA safe house luxury resort in Argentina where he could be spending the next ten years in total decadent splendor. No, sirree, Ken's "dead". Really. He's superdead. Extra dead. Had to cremate right away, of course, because of the, I don't know, the altitude, I guess. Yeah, that's it, the altitude. And of course now sad and lovely Mrs. Lay will get to keep all his assets. So sad. I'm cryin'. We're all cryin'.

Brokeback White House

That fucking librarian bitch cunt is getting just what she deserves. Her faithful loving idiot husband in love with another man. But what can she do but deny? She pretends she just doesn't see what's obvious to everyone else. Christ, I caught the two of them in bed together in Tokyo last year. Moron Junior was so drunk on sake he didn't even see me come in the room. He just keep slurpin' down old Koko's manjuice. The Secret Service told me they even fucked on Elvis's bed when they were out at Graceland. Whoa. This is getting out of hand.